Monday, October 6, 2008

The band cell

The band cell RoseDennis
10/1/08
B block

Ever wish that you could be a billionaire and own a mansion with a pool and many cars? Well only an extremely tiny fraction of the people in the world are billionaires and it's very hard to become one so good luck succeding. Even though we can't buy a great amount of things that are really valuable and expensive, we still have the things that have much value to us. This might be a stuffed animal, a poster, or even something really old that will crumple if anyone touches it. These are the poeple who can't be filthy rich valuables. Now you might be asking yourself right now, “What's the most valuable thing to me?”
My most valuable thing that I could buy is my cell phone that I just got for 8th grade graduation. It's very special to me because it's my first one and it's a new level of responsibility that I have to take on. My mom picked it out for me but I did give her hints. My parents tried to keep it a secret but I could tell something was up. It's a green Rumor that slides upwards to reveal a keyboard. My mom got me an awesome plan that has unlimited texting and good minutes. I charge my phone every night when I go to bed and keep it off until the next day when school is over. I text a lot of people everyday and call someone at least 5 times a week. There is a website where you can see how many texts you have so far in the month. Last month I had 1,546 texts! I have already figured out all the gadgets and gizmos on it. I know how to use the camera really well and I can even play demos of games(mostly tetris) that they want me to buy.
I pick up the lime green rectangle and throw it up in the air and... whoops! I missed. It only has a microscopic sratch so no one will notice. I do this repeatedly waiting for someone to answer. Finally someone texts back and I know it's Marissa because her ring tone is blasting from the speaker. I put it on level 5 for the volume because I was playing my drum set downstairs. I have just asked her if she's going to band and she said yes. For me, one conversation with her usually uses up about 20 of my texts. I'm not aloud to text during dinner so I find time for it usually before dinner. When I'm done with my conversation with Marissa I start to play Tetris. Tetris is a game on my phone that I don't really have so I can't play forever but I do have the demo. I get 14 pieces until my demo is over and then I usually press the exit button and start a new game of it. I have other games on there but Tetris is more fun than poker, pac man, tornado mania, and pool.
I can also use the phone for family reasons such as calling my mom to pick me up after practice. I even taught my mom how to text. She has gotten pretty good but I'm still much faster than her. I also use the calendar in it so I won't forget any of my relative's birthdays. I take my phone every where I go including band competitions. After we have performed and the judges announced the scores, I text my mom and tell her how we did. On the bus, I call my parents to let them know when I'll be back in the high school parking lot. My phone is very valuable to me because I can use it anytime I want except at school. It also connects me to the most valuable thing that I can experience which are my band competitions.

Our South Hadley marching band travels to different schools in New England almost every weekend to compete against other bands. Each year our show has a theme and this year it's witches and warlocks. So far we have won every competition! I play the marimba, vibraphone, bells, and chimes in the pit. We don't have to march but we do have to make sure that everything we need is in the Penske Pit Truck before we leave and we have to memorize all our music.
Band competitions are really fun because you get to play all your songs and hang out with your friends. After I perform I load the pit truck, with the three other people in pit, so it can take all the equipment back to the high school. Then we catch up with the rest of the band who are in the stands. Every place we go, they have food and beverages that we buy. One place even invented a food that's called the walking taco. It is fritos, chili, and cheese in a fritos bag. It's really good. We bring our band jackets because it's usually cold at night because we perform in October and November.
I love all the tension in the air when the judges are about to announce our division and what place we got. The last three competitions we got first, best percussion, guard, music, and visual effect. The pit doesn't have shakos(hats) that the marchers wear so people on the bus french braid our hair to make us look nice.
Both my cell phone and the band competitions are suspenseful to me because with each one you are waiting for someone to say something. When I'm texting I wait for someone to text back and at the band competitions I'm waiting to hear what we got from the judges. They are also very different because one I can hold and one I can only capture the moment when it happens. My cell phone has a price for it and it's the most expensive thing that I own but the competition is priceless to me. My cell phone helps me communicate with others. I value both things a lot and it would be hard for me to live without any one of them. As you can see, I have two valuable things that I can't live without. What's the most valuable thing to you?

11 comments:

Marissa said...

In this essay, the author seems to be saying that both her cell phone and the band competitions are of value to her, although in different ways. In the first paragraph, she asks questions that really makes your mind open and think about things that you may have never considered before.
I thought that her cell phone was most vividly described because she described what it looks like, as well as why she enjoys it so much. She obviously cares about it a lot by the way she was talking about it.
I think the authors greatest strength was how she speaks to the reader. She does this in a casual way so it doesn't make reading the essay uncomfortable and awkward. When she says "There is this website on the computer where you can see how many texts you have so far in the month and last month I did 1,546!", she isn't just saying that I texted people 1,546 times last month. She is saying it in an interesting way.
One piece of advice I would give to the author would be to spell check things other than words that are completley misspelled. For example, check words like there their and they're. Also check some grammar because sometimes reading the paragraphs was sort of confusing because it wasn't grammatically correct. Other than that I couldn't really give you anymore changes to be made.

Ninaenglish9 said...

According to the author’s essay she values her cell phone and her band competitions most. She values them both very much. They both have suspense in the process. One while waiting for a text, the other waiting for someone to say something.

I think the best described of the two is her cell phone. She describes it so well that it really makes it seem like she like it. It also makes it seem like you are holding it in your hands. The third sentence in the second paragraph really describes it well.

The strength of this essay is the conclusion. She puts lots of detail into it to help you understand why she likes them so much. For example when she says “Both my cell phone and the band competitions are suspenseful to me because with each one you are waiting for someone to say something. When I'm texting I wait for someone to text back and at the band competitions I'm waiting to hear what we got from the judges.”

The one piece of advice I would give to the author is flow. The flow of the story is a bit rough. Especially when it comes from moving from one paragraph to the next. For example she moves from paragraph 2 to paragraph 3 “I know how to use the camera really well and I can even play demos of games that they want me to buy.
I pick up the lime green rectangle and throw it up in the air and catch.” I have no idea if she is on a new topic or the old one.

kyleenglish9 said...

I. I can tell that the author is being somewhat humorous in the introductory paragraph because she talks about how billionaires only make up a tiny fraction of our population, which I though was funny because it’s bit of an overstatement. I can only name about three billionaires on Earth off the top of my head. How many people do you know who have a billion dollars?
II. I think she described her cell phone better, but mostly that’s just because I can relate to it better. I have never been to a band competition, and I do have a cell phone, although mine isn’t as technologically high-tech. However, she gave a great description of it, when she got it, what it can do, and what she uses it for, which really helped me to be able to picture it and how she uses it. Well done.
III. The main strength of this essay was being very thorough. She put a lot of detail and time into this essay, and it showed, because she paid attention to all the minor things that she knew the reader would be looking for, and I was, so I think that was good.
IV. One thing to improve on your essay, I would say, is to make it a bit more thorough in the paragraphs that describe the object and moment’s similarities and differences. There were a few descriptions, but it could be a bit more detailed, so just think about that.

Peter said...

Well, I feel that Rose is that band and cell phones are of great value. Near the end of the essay, she begins to talk more about the band competitions, which connects back to the cell phone. She values both of these items very much.
I believe that the cell phone was described better purely because she wrote more about it. There were about 3 paragraphs about the phone and only 1 about the band. Of course sometimes quality overrides quantity, but not in this case.
I found, as I have with all of the other essays I have reviewed, the introduction was the best part. The whole way of hooking someone into an essay is the most important part. You hooked people very well with this essay.
The one thing I would ask Rose to do would be to write a little bit more about the band competitions, and also to watch your spelling. Things like those distracted me. However, I liked your essay.

Brittany said...

Great Job Rosie(: (though i wish it was me whom you were texting haha)

In the essay, you really showed how much you enjoyed your cell phone and band competitions. It sounds like you care a lot about each one, but in different ways.

I think the cellphone was better described because you didn't really leave a detail out. Every game, every tetris piece, what your texts are saying... the list is truley endless.

Your best strength was definitly how you just flow and wrote just as if you would talk to someone. Your personality showed, and it made your essay unique.

all in all, i dont really have any advice but to re-read and check for grammar. Otherwise, it was amazing. Nice job rose!!

Brittany said...

Oh, and rose, thanks for the comment on mine. it made me laugh (:

Leona said...

I think that in this essay, you are tryng to show how much you value both band and your cell phone in different, yet the same, ways.
I think that you most vividly described your cell phone. You wrote like five paragraphs! Although I know you value band too (-more :)- )you definitely described your cell phone better.

One of your strengths was that you included lots of description (not so much in the band paragraph) and have very few spelling/grammar mistakes.

I would suggest lengthening the paragraph about band, but otherwise, you have a really good (and long!) essay!

Unknown said...

BAND ROCKS!!

we luv u guys!! haha =D

<3Jess

Jiayin said...

Heyy Rose... thanks for your comment on mine haha i'd love to see what mr.bg has to say about that critique =) anyways, great essay, i know you'll do well too!!!

rose said...

Nice job Rose!

Allie said...

ROSEY!!!!!!Your essay was amazingful! You did a great job with descriptions! And i really liked your comparisons.Very Nice!:)