Doodle was an orphan with his brother Ken and they lived with their grandma. Their parents were killed in a car crash just off the highway. The doctor said that they died instantly at the scene of the crash. When Doodle and Ken found this out they knew that they would have to either live in an orphanage or with a relative. Their favorite person in the world was their grandma. Even though she was gaunt, she was still very cool. She was so cool that she had an alias for emergencies.
Doodle is twelve years old and is very athletic. He is basically good at everything he tries. The only problem is that he had eye surgery two years ago. The eye doctor said that he couldn’t play contact sports. If he played and got hit in the head, his retinas could detach. That meant no basketball. Doodle couldn’t just recede from basketball so he searched for other sports that he could play to get his mind off it. He looked at tennis, badminton, and ping pong but none of them felt right.
Even though Ken and Doodle were brothers, they were also best friends. They told each other everything and anything. Ken was kind of snobby and Doodle was ok with that most of the time.
“What should I do?” he asked his little brother.
“Well you can try to convince grandma to let you play. Duh!”
“She will never go along with it after losing mom and dad.”
“I don’t know then, I’m not a therapist!”
The next day Doodle’s friend Leon was handing out flyers that said he was going to have a DARE basketball team and everyone was invited to play. Doodle thought, I want to play. Maybe if I get a flyer and sign up grandma will say yes. He took one from Leon and didn’t show his grandma until after dinner when she was very tired.
“Grandma, can you sign this?” he asked.
“Sure what is it?” she answered.
“Oh it’s just for school.” Doodle replied.
“Oh it’s just for school.” Ken derided under his breath.
Granny signed it without taking a glance and Doodle thought, Yes, no questions! Score one for Doodle!
The next day, Doodle went to go find his brother, Ken and tell him his secret.
“Don’t tell anyone about this!” he exclaimed.
“Fine. I won’t, but what’s in it for me?” Ken asked, hoping he could get a kick out of knowing something that no one else knew. He was staring into space as he thought Blackmail!
“Ken! Hello? Earth to Ken?!”
“What… oh sorry yeah I’ll keep the secret if you do my chores and homework for a month.” Ken said while getting out of his trance. Ken was a typical older brother who was very selfish.
“Fine but I'm not doing a good job." Doodle said grudgingly.
That Wednesday was the first practice of the DARE team. No one knew that he had an eye problem so he would have to be very careful not to get injured. Doodle saw every one of his friends that played basketball, and allowed Ken to watch. The practice went okay but some of his teammates weren’t very good. At the end of practice they scrimmaged and Doodle’s team won!
When Doodle and Ken walked into the front door of the house they saw Granny sitting on the couch. As soon as they got in Doodle and Ken knew that they were in deep trouble.
“So how was your day?” Granny asked sternly.
“Um good.” They answered timidly.
“I was calling the school to find out where you were and they said at the gym. So might I ask what you were doing?”
Doodle gave Ken a look that said oops we forgot to make a cover story. Doodle thought that if they could embellish a cover story on the spot then they would be good. Suddenly Ken blurted, “We did it!”
“Did what?” asked Granny giving them a knowing countenance.
“Doodle is playing basketball on a team and neither of us wanted to tell you because we thought you would get mad.”
“Oh I’m not mad…I’m furious! You guys are very avarice self-centered people!” Granny reprimanded. In fact, Granny was so mad that she stormed up to her room and slammed the door.
“So what do we do now?” asked Ken.
“We just wait till she cools down.”
“Don’t hold your breath.”
The next morning Doodle and Ken had to get themselves ready for school because Granny wouldn’t help at all.
“Doodle, I wanted a PB&J sandwich not PB&F you buffoon!” Ken complained.
“Then make your own. Or just take two dollars and buy lunch!” Doodle yelled.
At school Doodle told Leon all about the fight with his granny and that he might not be able to play. At the end of the day everybody was giving Doodle death stares.
“Wow. Gossip travels fast!” said Ken.
“Tell me about it.” exclaimed Doodle with his head down so no one could see his shame.
They even heard people say, wow Doodle is so mean to his grandma. I can't believe he did that.
When Doodle and Ken got home Granny asked to speak to Doodle alone.
Granny had a sudden benevolence, “Doodle, I’ve been thinking… I think that I was a little too hard on you and Ken and we should compromise about you playing basketball.”
“Uh okay? So what did you have in mind?” This wasn’t at all what Doodle expected.
“I thought that I would observe the first half of your first game and at half time we would converse with each other. You could tell me how rough you thought the other team is and vice versa. Does that sound good to you?”
“Yeah sure.” Doodle sighed because he knew that if Granny saw just one minor thing that she didn’t like, that would be the end of his dream. He felt like he was being emancipated.
Saturday was their first game and everyone from school was there. Ken came too with some of his friends to see what happened. Doodle’s team was down by 15 at half time and they were really tired. It was affluent in skill. When the buzzer sounded, Doodle ran as fast he could over to the bleachers to see what Granny would say.
“So….?” He asked, feeling the excitement build up in him.
“Well…I think that they’re not that rough except for two big boys, number 11 and 15. They seem like they would give anything to get the ball so I don’t want you guarding them.” Granny stated loudly because the fans were shouting out loud blasphemous remarks.
“Yeah I thought that too.” Doodle rushed to say, feeling all the suspense rising up in him. “So can I play?
With a smile Granny said, “Sure. Why don’t you play for 5 minutes and then look at me. I’ll give you a thumbs-up or thumbs-down for the rest of the game.” Doodle was so excited he leaped off the bleachers and grafted to the rest of his team in the hallway.
“Guess what guys?” he didn’t wait for an answer. “I can play!!!!!!!” He gave him a short anecdote of his conversation with Granny.
The team was so excited and Leon gave him a huge bear hug. The coach didn’t let him go in right away but Doodle was one of the subs. Doodle would never forget the moment when his coach said that he would go in.
“Doodle, you’re up.” said his coach. Doodle was jumping out of his seat and almost tripped in all of his excitement.
“I am so ready coach! What am I playing?”
“Point guard.” his coach answered. That was Doodle’s favorite position and he was very good at it. Once Doodle was in the game, their team started pulling together. Doodle dribbled and ran deftly down the court. It turned out that he could play the rest of the game because when Doodle looked over at Granny, she had a huge grin on her face with two thumbs-up. His team got more points in the second half but still lost. Doodle was a little rusty because it was the first game that he had played in 2 years!
After the game Granny talked to the coach and they both agreed that Doodle could play in every game as long as he was careful and not guarding a huge person. In the car with Ken, Doodle asked, “Was I good?”
“You were great!” replied Granny and Ken.
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Author’s notes
I would like for the reader to know how excited Doodle was when he actually got to play basketball for the first time in 2 years. I’m trying to get across that your friends or relatives can surprise you and will always try to do what’s best for you. The dialogue was pretty easy to write because I just thought of me arguing with my brother. So I hope I did a good job with that. I don’t know if the whole story gets across and if the reader will get what I’m trying to say. It was pretty difficult when I was trying to be descriptive and use bigger more describing words. My question for the peer editor is if my story is good. I would like any kind of helpful feedback and I would like them to comment on the plot.
Rose i can really tell that you connect to doodle. Does this have anything to do with your experience? I don't believe it is too much time passage. In between your third paragragh and first line of dialogue is confusing. I think you have a good balance between dialogue and exposition. The conflict is that doodle can't play basketball the climax is when they get home from basketball practice for the first time and the resolution is when they decide to let him play in the second half of the game if the team isn't to rough.
Hey Nina, yeah it basically is my life except that I'm not an orphan and I don't live with my grandma. I tweeked it a little bit but it's mostly the same.
Hey Rose! great story! me gusta mucho chica!
The conflict is that Doodle loves basketball but can’t play because of detached retinas. (hmmmm I wonder where you got that idea Rose!! ) I guess it’s an internal and external conflict. It was resolved when he was able to play with Granny’s solution. I sort of knew what was going to happen because I was there with you, but the story itself really pulled you in.
Doodle changes because at first he can’t play basketball and then he can at the end. He changes when he makes the compromise with his Granny. It is important because it pretty much solves the conflict.
My favorite part of the story is when Doodle comes back to his team and tells them he can play because I can relate to that because it’s like exactly how you reacted, and you did well portraying his excitement. “Doodle was jumping out of his seat and almost tripped in all of his excitement.”
I think Doodle’s emotions were the best part because they were really realistic and relatable. You used many good descriptions so we could understand easily how Doodle felt.
The theme (I think) is don’t give up on something even if you think it’s gone, because if Doodle had just given up on basketball, then he wouldn’t have been able to play.
You need to work on using better diction, but otherwise the story’s really good.
PS- A.D!
The conflict was that doodle couldn't play basketball. This was an external problem. It was resolved by a comprommise in which doodle's grandma would watch the first half to see if the other team was to rough, if not he could play. I was very invested in your story and i don't think you could have made it more dramatic.
The protagonist learns how to treat people properly and not lie. The change doesn't seem to be to important to the story. I think it would be the same if the character didn't change.
My favorite part was in the ending when doodle gets to play in the game. it is during the resolution. “'You were great!' replied Granny and Ken." They were so supportive of him.
I think the best part in your story was when you showed emotion. You showed doodle's excitment of being able to play well. "'Yeah I thought that too.' Doodle rushed to say, feeling all the suspense rising up in him. 'So can I play?"
The story's theme i believe is to never give up. I had trouble telling that so you should add in something to make it more apparent.
The main thing you should focuson is your theme because i don't think it is obvious.
The conflict is that Doodle wants to play basketball but can’t because of his detached retinas. It is an internal conflict. The conflict was resolved when Granny and Doodle came up with a compromise so that Doodle could still play. I was invested in the resolution because I felt bad for Doodle and wanted everything to work out. I don’t really know what you could have added to make it more dramatic.
The protagonist changes over time because Doodle can play basketball in the end. The change happens when he makes the compromise with Granny. If the character didn’t change Doodle probably wouldn’t be playing basketball.
My favorite part of the story is the resolution. My favorite line is; “‘You were great!’ replied Granny and Ken.” I just think that line is a good way to end the story on a happy note.
The tale’s best quality was the characters. I like Doodle’s and Granny’s personalities. Granny was really nice and always would make things work out like the compromise she made with Doodle. And Doodle is like every other teenager and always tries to hide things from parents or in this case grandparent.
The story’s theme is don’t give up on you dream. When Doodle couldn’t play basketball because his eyes he didn’t give up!
The main thing the author needs to revise before Mr. BG grades this story is maybe add a little more detail in the setting, only a little bit though. Good Job.
The conflict of the story was that Doodle wasn’t supposed to play basketball because of an eye problem, but he did anyway without his grandma knowing. The problem was external because he wasn’t supposed to play but he did. It was resolved by his grandma allowing him to play on certain conditions. The resolution happened very quickly. I think it could have been more dramatic if Doodle had actually come close to getting hurt.
Doodle changes during the story because at first he couldn’t play basketball but now he can, and also that at first he kept secrets from his grandma but at the end it seemed like he wasn’t going to anymore, or at least nothing that could get him seriously injured. His development was that he was more honest with his friends and family. The change is important because if he hadn’t been honest with her then he could have gotten seriously injured.
My favorite part of the story was when he and the grandma compromised on when he could play. This happened in the falling action. “’Doodle, I’ve been thinking… I think that I was a little too hard on you and Ken and we should compromise about you playing basketball.’” I liked this quote because it showed how people can surprise you and they really can understand you.
I think that the conflict of the story was its best quality. It was very believable and it seems like something that could happen in real life, the kid who wanted to do something so badly that they lied to their parents (or grandma) about it just to take part. Doodle wanted to play so badly that he lied to his grandma and tricked her into believing that it was nothing to worry about.
The theme of this story is that you should be honest with your friends and family. The author shows this by at first having the main character lie to his grandma, and then has it come back and get him in trouble, and when the grandma found out the truth, she compromised and tried to work it out.
I think the author should make this story not go by so quickly. It seems like Doodle lies and like two seconds later he can play. I think the author should build it up more and not finish the whole story so quickly.
P.S your story makes me feel very guilty!:(
The conflict of the story was that Doodle wanted to play basketball but couldn't because he had damaged eyes.It is both an external and internal conflict because it is doodles internal want to play basketball but it is his eyes that keep him from that. It was resolved when his grandma made him play under certain conditions. I was engaged in the plot because i was eager to see how he would get to play (with his damaged eyes) even if his grandma did agree. I think that you should write a little more on the history of doodle and basketball so we can sympathize him and understand his want to play more.
Doodle changes over the course of the story because at first he just wants to play basketball ut then he leanrs to compromise and knows that what grandma does for him is whats best. This change is important to the story because doodle learns from his mistake he made lying to grandma and that compromise would get them both what they wanted. If the story didnt have this change then the main character wouldn't have learned a lesson.
My favorite part of the story was the second paragraph in the exposition because you use good description of why doodle cant play basketball, and showed how much he missed it. An example is the line "Doodle couldn’t just recede from basketball so he searched for other sports that he could play to get his mind off it. He looked at tennis, badminton, and ping pong but none of them felt right." I like this quote because it uses good word choice and also shows his devotion to basketball.
I think the tales best quality is the plot because overall i enjoyed the story line and how it is both introduced and resolved. The story flows smoothly from day to day and has an intersting, well developed story arc.
They storys theme is that compromis will most likely get you what you want, and partially to reach for your dreams. in this story, after doodle lies to grandma about playing basketball, they come to a compromise and doodle is happy and gets to play. In the begining the author plants the theme by making it clear doodle is going to try his harest to play basketball again.
I think the main thing you need to revise is your relevance. Some things in the story, although they are possible, take to much time to explain and are not very relevant to the story. Examples are the PB&J line, and at school when everyone is gossiping. Also, try to make your word chice more sophisticated so your not always narrating.
good job rosieee!
avarice-n greed The brother is very greedy so avarice was a good word to use
countenance-n expression Granny had a look on her face when Doodle and Ken told her what happened
deftly-v with skill Doodle was very good at basketball so he dribbled down the court with skill
anecdote-n a short description of an event Doodle had to say one of these because he was explaining what happened to his team
deride-v to mock, ricicule or make fun of The brothers like to make fun of each other
concur-v to agree This is how Granny and Doodle agreed that he could play basketball
blasphemous- n a rude remark The fans for the other team were yelling out rude remarks
buffoon-n clown or fool Ken and Doodle call themselves buffoons all the time
upbraid-v to scold or criticize When Granny found out that Doodle was playing, she scolded him very loudly
retire-v to recede or withdraw This is at the beginning of the story when Doodle had to stay away from basketball
reprimand-v to scold Granny was really mad so she scolded Doodle and Ken
gaunt-adj thin and bony This is how Granny looks but she's very helpful
alias-n false name Granny was so cool that she had a secret identity
benevolent-adj kind Granny was very kind before she found out that Doodle and Ken were lying
The greatest change from my first draft to my final draft was probably taking out dioluge where it wasn't needed.
The editing process that was more helpful would be the comments from my classmates. I found this helpful because they told me things that I wanted to know.
My short stories greatest strength was character developement because he hides stuff from his grandma and then he tells the truth.
I would say that if you wanted to write a short story, you have to make sure that you have real sounding dialouge. It sounds kind of corny if it is something that you wouldn't say.
yes you can he said as long as there's a balance between the types of narration. hannah has over 2000 words but he said it was okay as long as it was for good use. just saying.
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